My Immortal - My Commentary
by AKindofMagic93
Summary: Okay, so I know there are quite a few of these around, but how could I resist not doing one of my own?
1. Chapters 1 to 4

_**My Immortal**_** – My Commentary**

**by AKindofMagic93**

_Okay, so I've seen quite a few of these floating around, but I wanted to do one myself. I don't know if this will be amusing or not, most likely my comments will either be pointing out the obvious, sarcastic or just rants. Nevertheless, if this floats your boat then feel free to read on. =D Also, I know I should be working on my other fics, but I haven't had much time recently as I've been swamped with schoolwork so this is really all I've had time to do._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own _Harry Potter_ (unfortunately), nor do I own the fanfiction _My Immortal_ (thankfully). I only own my thoughts. =D_

_**Warnings:**__ seriously bad spelling and grammar (thankfully not me), language (partly me) and sarcasm (entirely me). =D_

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><p>Chapter 1.<p>

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(wow, so clever, so witty, I never would have thought of that) **2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(you're the one that suggested it, also, homophobic much?) **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(really? I'd hate to see how this story was before she helped then...) **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(what's with the random apostrophe in Darkness? If it's to make it sound cooler then it failed epically. Also does she realise that Dementia is a mental illness?) **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(that's original. Not. I have brown hair, so if I'd been named after my hair colour... well, let's just say it probably wouldn't be good...) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(*gets out dictionary to see if 'limpid' is a real word...* apparently it is, it means "clear or transparent; easy to understand". Okay, 1: I'm surprised she knows the word 'limpid' – I, as an English student, had never heard of this word before – and 2: I think the use of this word is pointless – aren't all tears clear and transparent?) **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **(sure they do) **(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **(*leaves*) **I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(so, now she's into incest?) **I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **(vampires do not have straight teeth. Quote **_**Dracula**_**: "...with peculiarly sharp white teeth; these protruded over the lips". I highly doubt Ebony's vampire teeth protrude over her lips, because that would be unattractive, and don't you just get the impression that Ebony is supposed to be insanely beautiful? *cough* Mary-Sue *cough*)**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(Hogwarts is in Scotland)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **(I'm 17. 17-year-olds do not talk like this. Hell, I've met 6-year-olds with better spelling and grammar than this) **I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **(really? no! I never would've guessed) **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **(I live in England, and I can tell you now, there is no Hot Topic in the UK, so either she gets all her clothes off the internet, which is really sad, or she's just an idiot who should probably do some research on the UK before she decides to write a fanfiction that's set there) **For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **(er, what's happened to the school uniform?) **I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, **(okay, now I'm no expert on make-up as I don't wear it myself, but surely if she has pale skin already then she doesn't need to wear white foundation? The stupidity of the author astounds me) **black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(you cannot have snow and rain at the same time – snow is just frozen rain) **so there was no sun, **(and also, you can have snow/rain at the same time as sun - ever heard of rainbows?) **which I was very happy about. A lot of preps **(we don't even have the label 'preps' in the UK, 'preps' is purely an American thing, I think the English equivalent would be 'plastics'...?) **stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(how polite)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice **(well, what else was going to shout, other than a voice?)**. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **(shocker, I'm just surprised that she has remembered to use speech marks and that you start a new line for a new speaker)**

"What's up Draco?" **(the ceiling, the sky, take your pick) **I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(if there is one thing that Draco Malfoy isn't, it's shy)**

But then, **(there is absolutely no need for a comma here)** I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(well that was a short and completely pointless conversation)**

AN: IS it good? **(I'm not even going to dignify that question with an answer) **PLZ tell me fangz!

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><p>Chapter 2.<p>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(okay, just because they are flaming does not mean they are preps – the whole world isn't split into gothic people and preppy people – I, for example, am neither)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(well, where else was she going to wake up? And not to be picky or anything, but it's technically a dormitory, not a bedroom) **It was snowing and raining **(do I really need to point out the flaw in this again?) **again. I opened the door of my coffin **(so Hogwarts dormitories don't have beds anymore? They have coffins? Why do I find this hard to believe? And I highly doubt they'd make an exception just for one student) **and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(because that's a normal thing to do, I do it every morning in fact) **My coffin was black ebony **(this is redundant. Ebony is a hard black wood and so describing it as black is just pointless) **and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **(again, what happened to the uniform?) **I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **(well, duh, where else do you put earrings?)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow **(she has friends? :O) **(AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black **(again, pointless, raven and black are the same colour) **hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(surely opening your eyes is the first thing you do in the morning, not grinning or flipping your hair) **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **(Willow clearly doesn't follow the school dress code either) **We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(this girl clearly has an obsession with describing clothes and make-up. Now, I'm all for describing clothes if it's a special occasion – like the Yule Ball – but describing everyday clothes is just not necessary)**

"OMFG, **(I'm pretty sure most people don't use acronyms when they talk. (I guess an exception would be 'lol', which I often say, but I certainly don't go round saying 'OMFG'.) Willow is clearly too lazy to actually say the words 'oh my fucking God') **I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(correct me if I'm wrong, but vampires can't blush – as far as I'm aware, blushing is caused by blood rushing to your face and I'm pretty sure vampires don't have blood)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(jeez, she only asked a question, there's no need to shout about it. Also, you so obviously do like him. The lady doth protest too much, methinks)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **('flirtily' is not a word, 'in a flirtatious manner' would be more appropriate. Although, how do you say 'hi' in a flirtatious way?)**

"Guess what." he said. **(there should be a question mark here)**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(either Good Charlotte are suddenly magical, or the Statute of Secrecy has just been heavily violated)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(wow, what a cliffhanger, I wonder what happens next?)**

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><p>Chapter 3.<p>

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(people actually gave good reviews for this? Why do I get the feeling that these people are all people she knows in real life?) **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(yeah, I think that's obvious)**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **('stuff' – is that a technical term?) **on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, **(why is she feeling depressed? She's going to a concert to see one of her favourite bands play with the guy that she likes. There is something seriously wrong with her if she gets depressed because of this) **so I slit one of my wrists** (as you do. This is way too nonchalant as well, self-harming is a serious issue)**. I read a depressing book **(that's it, make yourself more depressed) **while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(shouldn't she put a bandage round it or something? Or, you know, heal it – she is a witch after all) **and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(so she's finally realised what a pointless exercise putting on white foundation is) **I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **(you need to drink human blood to be ready for a concert? I'm not even going to begin to understand this)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(how does Draco even know what a car is? He's a pureblood who hates muggles) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt **(because of course Draco has heard of a muggle band!) **(they would play at the show too) **(again, violating the Statute of Secrecy)**, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(did Draco suddenly turn "goffik" over the summer or something? I'm sure Lucius would really approve of this)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(again, why the depression? She's talking to the guy she likes, she shouldn't be depressed! Also, an exclamation mark usually denotes excitement or shock, not depression)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(that must have hurt, I usually just get into cars, not walk into them) **(the license plate said 666) **(why am I not surprised?) **and flew to the place with the concert. **(you mean Hogsmeade?) **On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(because that's a cool thing to do. Not. I'm just surprised they made it there in one piece, to be honest) **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel <strong>(I think the lyrics are the only part of this story (if it can be called that) that are spelt right and are grammatically correct) <strong>(I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(yeah, we figured as much) **

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club **(there's a club in Hogsmeade?) **with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(okay, so I don't mind Draco being a little OOC, but this is just too much!)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(I'm guessing you don't like her because she's a 'prep'?)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **(they sure do get into and out of the car in weird ways. Let's see, we've had walking, hopping and now crawling, will the madness never end?)** but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... **(is '...' really necessary? I think not) **the Forbidden Forest! **(dun dun dun!)**

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><p>Chapter 4.<p>

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(I have to admit, I burst out laughing the first time I read this) **nut mary su OK! **(I think she needs to look up the definition of a "Mary-Sue")**DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **(I'm pretty sure people in love don't act different, I'm sure they are more likely to act like themselves. But, hey, I could be wrong, after all I've never been in love, so what do I know? At least I actually have the spelling and grammar of a 17-year-old...) **dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(this is just so hilariously bad, 'eechodder' doesn't even remotely sound like 'each other', in fact it took me quite a while to decipher this)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(she certainly likes to swear doesn't she? I mean, my language can get pretty bad sometimes, but even I don't say 'fuck' every other sentence)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **(*sigh* contacts are a muggle invention, so I'm pretty certain Draco wouldn't know what they are) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then... suddenly just as I **(just as she what?) **Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me** (surely she has to be on the floor for Draco to climb on top of her? At no point does it mention Ebony (or should I say Enoby?) lying on the floor)** and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(poor tree) **He took of **(this should be "off' not "of")** my top and I took of **(do I have to say it again?) **his clothes. I even took of my bra. **(ooh, things are getting heated!) **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(this is just plain embarrassing. I mean, seriously, there is no way that she is 17. I mean, sure, I can be immature at times and giggle at the word 'condom' – which, let me just point out, there is no mention that they used protection – but even I'm not that immature. Also, I feel the need to point out that there is no mention of her removing the bottom half of her clothing... )**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was... **(I have the craziest urge to just delete all the unnecessary dots!) **Dumbledore! **(also, Dumbledore does not swear, yet another character who is so OOC I just want to scream in frustration. I mean, seriously, has she even read the Harry Potter books?)**


	2. Chapters 5 to 8

_**My Immortal**_** – My Commentary**

**by AKindofMagic93**

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><p>Chapter 5.<p>

AN: STOP flaming! **(no, I don't think I will)** if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(no, it means that they are intelligent and can see that your story is a load of rubbish) **Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **(really? I don't swear more when I get a headache) **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **(I don't think he was mad at them for having sex as such, more that they were doing it where anyone could see) **PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(then you'll be waiting a long time)**

Dumbledore made and **(this 'and' is pointless) **Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. **(because Dumbledore usually shouts at his students after he's caught them having sex in the Forbidden Forest. Dumbledore does not shout! This Dumbledore is so OOC, he might as well be an evil twin)**

"You ludacris **(isn't he a rapper?) **fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood **(how?) **down my pallid **(I'm surprised she knows what pallid means) **face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(how do Snape and McGonagall know? Dumbledore's only just found out himself. Unless all three are suddenly telepathic)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(that's it, shout it so the whole school can hear. By the way, who has sex in the Forbidden Forest? Isn't that a little dangerous? And what was Dumbledore doing in the Forest in the first place? So many questions, so few answers)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(I don't think McGonagall would call her students 'mediocre dunces', do you? Yet more OOCness)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **(I think Snape is probably the least OOC out of all of them, what do you think?)**

And then Draco shrieked. **(is Draco now a banshee?) **"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(well, they fell in love quickly)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. **(does Dumbledore not deserve to be called 'Professor'?) **"Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(what's this? No docking of house points? No detentions? Something is seriously wrong with Snape. And Dumbledore and McGonagall for that matter. In fact all of the characters have something seriously wrong with them)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(wait a minute, the Slytherin Common Room is in the Dungeons, so why are they are going upstairs? Shouldn't they be going downstairs?)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. **(why does she even bother to lie? Let me guess, she's 'depressed' again) **I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(this is what she sleeps in?) **When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **(how did Draco get up into the girl's dorms? If I recall correctly, when Harry and Ron tried to get into Hermione's dorm the stairs turned into a slide. Can Draco suddenly fly or something?) **I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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><p>Chapter 6.<p>

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(well, that plan sort of failed last chapter didn't it? After all, I refuse to believe that you got five good reviews)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(at least her continuity's alright, I wouldn't be surprised if one chapter she woke up in a coffin and the next she woke up in a bed. Then again, waking up in a bed wouldn't be very 'goffik' would it?) **I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(does Hogwarts not have a uniform anymore? Because I haven't read about one single character wearing it)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula **(I actually have to admit, this is probably the wittiest thing in the entire story, although that's still not saying much...) **cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **(what other colour blood is there?) **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **(this girl has serious anger issues) **I regretted saying it when I looked up cause **(if she's going to shorten 'because' there should be an apostrophe before the 'c')** I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(this does not make sense) **and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses **(this is slightly more believable as Harry grew up with Muggles, unlike Draco) **just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(where'd it go? Scars don't just disappear, especially curse scars) **He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(well, duh, he is English after all, he's not going to have an American accent is he?) **He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **(who?) **He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(really? Girls don't get erections? I didn't know that. And we're the sick ones?)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **(I don't think Harry's particularly shy either)**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **(how can she not know who he is? She must know who he is, especially since she said he doesn't have a scar anymore, therefore implying that she knew he had one in the first place)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(do they? Do they really?)**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **(maybe because he's a vampire? Duh. Why else would you get called Vampire?)**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(Harry giggles? I find that incredibly hard to believe)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **(why is he whimpering?)**

"Yeah." I roared. **('roared'? I'm not even going to ask)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

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><p>Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life <strong>(why does this chapter have a title and none of the others?)<strong>

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **(you mean someone actually likes this?) **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **(again, you'll be waiting a long time) **STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(you're the one that needs to be reported) **Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **(she is not depressed. Let's look up the symptoms of depression shall we? Okay, symptoms of depression include continuous low mood or sadness, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, low self-esteem, tearfulness, feelings of guilt, feeling irritable and intolerant of others, lack of motivation and little interest in things, difficulty making decisions, lack of enjoyment, suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself, feeling anxious or worried, reduced sex drive, slowed movement or speech, change in appetite or weight, disturbed sleep patterns, the list goes on. Does this sound like Ebony to you? I think not. Apart from maybe the self-harming and intolerance of others. Point is, Ebony is not depressed)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish **(does this sound weird to anyone else? Or is it just me?) **as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **(yes. Yes it does) **I waved to Vampire. Dark misery **(as opposed to light misery?) **was in his depressed **(why must everyone be depressed? Correction, why must all the gothic characters be depressed? Isn't that a little stereotypical?) **eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **(either Harry wants to go out with Draco, or she means that he's jealous of Draco. Personally, I hope it's the former =P) **Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly **(depressed people aren't excited) **with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **(again with the dots!)**

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **(*sigh* you cannot be passive and enthusiastic at the same time) **He felt me up before I took of **(off) **my top. Then I took off **(and she finally gets it right!) **my black leather bra **(surely a leather bra would be uncomfortable?) **and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(she has a 'boy's thingy'? LOL! The immaturity of this girl never ceases to amaze me) **and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(yes)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(so, now Draco's bisexual?)**

I was so angry. **(why am I not surprised?)**

"You bastard!" **(she likes calling people bastards doesn't she?) **I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(well, she's already had sex with him, and there is no mention of them ever using protection, so she's probably got AIDs too. And on another note, AIDs is nothing to joke about, and this is just another sign of her homophobia)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **(really? You'd think he'd have enough sense to put at least some clothes back on) **He had a really big you-know-what **(no, I don't know what. Do tell) **but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom **(he has a classroom all of his own?) **where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **(why aren't Ebony and Draco in class?)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(ooh, yet another exciting cliffhanger)**

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><p>Chapter 8.<p>

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep! **(what's 'flassing'? She's managed to spell flaming correctly before. But then again, she did spell 'Ebony' as 'Enoby' and 'Evony', so I really shouldn't be surprised)**

Everyone in the class stared at me **(well what do you expect after an entrance like that?) **and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(Malfoys do not beg)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody **(again what's with the apostrophe) **Mary Smith **('B'loody Mary' – okay, so either she knows something about English history, or this is purely coincidental. I vote for the latter, who's with me?) **smiled at me understatedly. **(does this girl even own a dictionary?) **She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood **(this makes no sense. Syntax is clearly not her strong point) **that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **(great, so we're back to the pointless white-make-up-on-white-skin-thing are we?) **Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **(yet another depressed character. This story has become predictable) **It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **(how original. Couldn't she think up a more 'goffik' surname than 'Smith'? Clearly not) **(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **(because Gryffindors aren't allowed to be Satanists? And I highly doubt you'd be allowed to just suddenly change houses, no matter what your religion is)**

"What is it that you desire, **(strange useage of the word 'desire', methinks) **you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(er, shouldn't that be the other way round? After all, Draco is the one she's with)**

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **(really? But she seems so homophobic) **for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **(:O fraternising with the enemy!)** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **(she should at least clarify the changing point of view)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **(definition of virility: "having the traditional male characteristics of physical strength and a high sex drive". I really hope she means virginity. But then again, in chapter 7 she did imply she had a 'boy's thingy'. Lol) **to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.


	3. Chapters 9 to 12

_**My Immortal**_** – My Commentary**

**by AKindofMagic93**

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><p>Chapter 9.<p>

AN: stop flaming ok! **(no) **I dntn red all da boox! **(yeah, that much is obvious) **dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **(Dumbledore doesn't swear in the movie. You clearly haven't seen the movies either) **besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **(she just had to bring religion into it didn't she? I don't know about you, but I don't think Snape is really the type to be religious) **MCR ROX! **(if you say so)**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree **(poor tree) **where I did it with Draco. **('did it'? Wow, so mature, and you're how old again?)**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose **(yeah you already said that) **(basically like Voldemort in the movie) **(okay, so I was wrong, she has seen the movies, but she clearly wasn't paying much attention to them if she thinks that Dumbledore swears) **and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **(so, if he's not gothic, does that make him a prep? Because I really don't picture Voldemort as a prep, do you? And according to the author, everyone is either a prep or gothic) **It was… Voldemort! **(I think we could have guessed that ourselves, after all, what other character is without a nose?)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **(Crookshanks is now a spell? I thought he was a cat. Also if she's under the Imperius Curse, then why didn't Voldemort stop her from casting a spell (real or not)?) **Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist **(she takes pleasure out of other people's pain? She sounds like a real bundle of laughs to me) **so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(Voldemort wouldn't let anyone else kill Harry, sorry 'Vampire', it's clear that she doesn't know about the prophecy and this also provides more evidence that she hasn't read the books)**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **(where did Voldemort get a gun from? He hates everything muggle. Besides they don't have guns in the wizarding world. Anyway, she keeps forgetting that Harry Potter is set in the UK, not America, you can't just go down to your local supermarket and buy a gun, and correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure even police officers in the UK don't carry guns most of the time. (By the way, I don't mean to offend any Americans with this statement, I was merely saying that guns are not legal in the UK like they are in the US.) Besides why can't she just kill him with her wand?) **"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **(and Voldemort has suddenly turned Shakespearean. Voldemort is old, but he's not that old) **

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **(thou means telepathy, methinks) **"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **(how can you fly angrily?)**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **(because he just knows where she is? Maybe he 'hath telekinesis' too)**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **(she doesn't sound scared and mad)**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation **(great, we're back to the pointless white foundation again) **and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **(no, I really don't)** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **(and this sentence, like a lot of others, doesn't make sense)**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered. **(Draco seems to like his monosyllabic sentences)**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(definition of expel: "drive out with force; dismiss from a school etc. permanently". Neither of these definitions make sense in the context of the sentence. Someone really needs to buy this girl a dictionary)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(they made out while they walked? I'm surprised they didn't fall over)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 10.<p>

AN: stup it u gay fags **(just more evidence that she is homophobic, and yet another reason for me to not like her) **if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **(there is no mention in the story of Harry, sorry 'Vampire', moving house)**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **(she has a band too? What's betting that they're not as good as they think they are?) **I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **(again, why am I not surprised?) **People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **(people say? Or you say?) **The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) **(why does she feel the need to change the names of most of the characters? And in what world would Draco and Ron (sorry, Diabolo – which isn't even a word, by the way) ever be in the same room together without fighting? The level of OOCness astounds me) **and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **(why? It's just a word. Plus you can't kill vampires with a cross. She clearly hasn't read Dracula. To kill a vampire you have stick a stake in its heart and then chop its head off) **or a steak) **(wrong kind of steak. I don't quite know how you'd kill a vampire with this type of steak, maybe beat them to death?) **and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **(because now they have televisions at Hogwarts) **I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **(really?)**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **(because that's a normal thing to do.)**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **(*sigh* definition of concerted: derived from 'concert' meaning "done together". Why do I even bother?)**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! **(don't you mean Vampire?) **But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **(how many times does she feel the need to say 'fuck' or 'fucking'? Let's see... 1... 2... 3... 4... with 'bastard' in there as well. I'm pretty sure that's not really necessary)**  
>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. <strong>(why was he behind a wall in the first place? I thought he was slitting his wrists? Unless he was slitting his wrists behind the wall? Hmm... intriguing...)<strong>

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(yes)**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **(Draco does not cry randomly, nor is he particularly sensitive. Three words – out of character)**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **(so there's no excuse for his OOCness then, this time?)**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **(how do you cry wisely?) **(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) **(I don't really care why to be honest) **"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **(I thought Draco wouldn't die from slitting his wrists because he's a vampire and the only way he can die is with a 'c-r-o-s-s' or a 'steak'? And here I thought the continuity within the story was pretty accurate)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 11.<p>

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! **(never!) **c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **(it probably will be) **it delz wit rly sris issus! **(I highly doubt that) **sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! **(not that she actually makes this story any better)**

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **(why do I get the feeling she's going to make all the teachers perverts?)**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood **(because that's possible – especially since she's a vampire, and vampires are just filled with blood!) **and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **(almost? You either do or you don't) **I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **(I swear each chapter she puts on more and more earrings...)** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! **(Lupin was chewing to it? Yeah 'cause that makes sense) **They were sitting on their broomsticks. **(and what do you know! I was right! She has made all the teachers perverts!)**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" **(I'd just like to point out that legally in the wizarding world they wouldn't be paedophiles – in chapter one Ebony is described as being 17 and, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the legal age in the wizarding world) **I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **(I thought she'd already got dressed?) **Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" **(let's see, she's already made up one spell (Crookshanks) and now she's mixing 'Abra Cadabra' with 'Avada Kedavra', will wonders never cease?) **he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **(Harry has a womb? Lol. Then again, she's already changed his name, why not change his gender too?)** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming **(if they had been shot a gazillion times I don't think they'd be screaming. They'd be dead) **and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **(so there's now a spell to make Hagrid appear and say that they need to talk? Also, would like to point out that 'ran outside on his broom' is not possible)**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **(Hagrid is not a student. He's the gamekeeper. And he's hardly 'little')**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **(*sigh* I'm not even going to bother...)**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. **('Snap' has just been shot a gazillion times, he should not be alive and speaking, unless, of course, he's suddenly a Time Lord and can regenerate) **"There must be other factors." **(what? Other factors in what?)**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **(again, 'Loopin' should be dead if he's been shot a gazillion times. Or maybe he's like Jack and can never die?) **"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **(I should think you're more likely to feel faint if you lose a lot of blood, and as far as I'm aware vampires don't feel faint if they haven't drank blood in a while)**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands **(I'm assuming his hands are dirty from all the 'masticating' he's been doing?) **on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. **(Hagrid doesn't have a wand, it was snapped when he got expelled from Hogwarts) **Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **(this, like a lot of other sentences in the story, doesn't make sense)**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice **(Snape is not the sort of person who gets scared easily, I would think the only thing he would be scared of would be Voldemort and he certainly would not be afraid of Hagrid) **cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **(so everyone who has ever been afraid is connected with Satan? Righto)**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **(*cough*Mary-Sue*cough*)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 12.<p>

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 **(Hagrid can't be a paedophile – he's a student apparently, so that would mean he's Ebony's age or younger) **a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! **(a – I'm pretty sure you're exaggerating as to how many teachers are actually paedophiles, and if you're not then I'm glad I don't live in America, b – even if there were a lot of paedophilic teachers in America, Hogwarts is in Scotland, and c – you didn't address the issue very well) **how du u no snap iant kristian **(because he just isn't, there is no mention in any of the books of any characters being 'kristian'. Besides it wouldn't make sense for any of the characters to be Christian as from the 15th to the 18th centuries, witchcraft was being persecuted by people such as Christians, so why would Snape be a Christian when his ancestors were possibly persecuted by them? And I'm pretty sure the Bible was against witchcraft as well (note – I'm not religious, so please correct me if I'm wrong on this, thanks)) **plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **(what! There has been no mention of Cedric in any of the chapters so far! You can't just randomly bring him in and expect people to just accept it!)**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! **(and we're back to talking in acronyms... great) **NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **(if I recall correctly, in a previous chapter it was mentioned that 'Vampire' didn't have a scar anymore...) **and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **(as if by magic...)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(a – this sentence does not make sense, and b – I never realised Voldemort was so kinky)**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office **(you mean the Hospital Wing?) **now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID **(why is his name (spelled incorrectly might I add) in capitals? It's not necessary!) **were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **(where injured fruit gets healed...) **after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **(at least she has some sense of morality. But what's betting that they appear again later in the story?) **Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. **(I burst out laughing at this. Random images of Dumbledore eating the video camera and then it being unable to *ahem* pass through his digestive system ran through my head. What a disturbed mind I have... Although, admittedly, not as disturbed as the author of this story) **I put up my middle finger at them. **(such a polite girl)**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby **(Enoby's back!) **I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **(then what are they?)**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" **(I swear this story's grammar gets worse by the chapter...) **I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." **(I think the more I read of this, the stupider I get, not a good thing considering I have important exams coming up) **Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong **(yes it is, it's mast**_**ur**_**bated, not mast**_**a**_**bated) **to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly. **(I know I've said it before, but this girl has serious anger issues)**

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **(and now the speech marks have disappeared...)**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **(oh dear Merlin, save me from the insanity!)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **(yeah, you already said that) **Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **(he's your dead boyfriend, remember?)**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **(well, what were you expecting to see? The future?)**

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) **(wow, so clever, I never would have thought of that...) **u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **(and now this story has taken a philosophical turn...)**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **(ha! I actually do know who she is!) **and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. **(why has she put lipstick AND lip gloss on? Surely she doesn't need both? Someone needs to teach this girl how to put make-up on)**

"You look kawai, **(great, so now we have random bits of Japanese thrown in there) **girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) **(Oh. Very. Dear.) **you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **(once again, vampires do not have blood!) **I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **(where you learn all about the different hair the various magical magic creatures have) **He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **(I'm pretty sure he'd get expelled for that. Poor Hufflepuff, why is it always the Hufflepuffs that get picked on?)**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(yes, I'm mourning my dead boyfriend, so I'm just going to randomly start to have sex with his ex-boyfriend in the middle of the class)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!"**(I can't imagine any situation where McGonagall would ever say the word 'horny', even if she was drunk)** shouted Professor McGoggle **(the author is just getting lazy now, she's spelt McGonagall correctly before, so why spell it incorrectly now? My theory: her friend Raven has stopped helping with the story and we are starting to see what it was like before she did help) **who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(so Ebony and 'Vampire' are now exhibitionists and everyone else are now voyeurs? If I was there I would have ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction screaming 'my eyes!')**

"Vampire you fucker!" **(well, that's what he was doing, so that's not really an insult) **I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. **(you appeared to want it a minute ago) **You know I loved Draco!" **(loved = past tense = she doesn't love him anymore) **I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **(how can you run angrily?)**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(what? This is just a repeat of what happened earlier!)**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **(so she's taking credit for what Raven has actually written? *cough* Plagiarism *cough*)**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **(I don't have the willpower to comment on this...)**

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><p><em>I swear this is getting worse by the chapter. In chapter 1 the spelling and grammar was at least understandable. But now... oh dear... Apologies if my comments aren't as witty near the end, but I was sort of losing the will to live.<em>

_icedpandacookies: thanks for your review, and thanks for the compliment *blushes*. Admittedly I didn't think of the sleet thing, so thanks for pointing that out to me. Things like Hot Topic are what really annoy me about MI – the author so obviously doesn't know the first thing about the UK. I know that if I'm writing a fic that takes place in another country I make sure I get all my facts right and if I'm not sure about something then I look it up. *rant over* =P Love your penname by the way. =D_

_DancingQueen411: Thanks for your reviews, and hey, no need to thank me, I'm just doing what many other authors have done. Is your penname a reference to the ABBA song, by the way? Gotta love a bit of ABBA. =D_

_-AKindofMagic93_


	4. Chapters 13 to 16

_**My Immortal**_** – My Commentary**

**by AKindofMagic93**

* * *

><p>Chapter 13<p>

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard **(so she's a thief now?) **but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! **(that's no reason to steal something...) **PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG! **(when are you going to get the message that the 'PREPZ' will not stop flaming?)**

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" **(er, where to start? There's a clear lack of respect for Dumbledore here, unless he's suddenly decided to change his name from Albus Dumbledore to 'Dumbledore Dumblydore'. I personally think he shouldn't have changed his name) **we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. **(does this sound just a little bit wrong to anyone else? Or is it just me...?)**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **(once again, out of character, I don't know why I bother anymore)**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **(they're really good at talking simultaneously, aren't they? Maybe they're like Fred and George and have a weird twin connection – to be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if 'Enoby' and 'Vampire' did turn out to be twins separated at birth)**

He laughed in an evil voice. **(wouldn't it make more sense to just put 'He laughed evilly'?)**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. **(does anyone else think 'mean' is the sort of word a five-year-old would use? Hmm, maybe this is an indication of the author's age...) **"I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **(I'm pretty sure that no matter how much Dumbledore may not like certain students, he wouldn't deny them help. And he certainly wouldn't deny Draco help – quote Half-Blood Prince: "I can help you, Draco. ... Come over to the right side, Draco, and we can hide you more completely than you can possibly imagine." So clearly 'Dumblydore' would 'give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco') **Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" **(Possessive much? Besides I'm pretty sure he's Ebony's. Although, personally I prefer him with 'Vampire' than 'Enoby'. =P) **he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **(like, totally! I thought she was homophobic, anyway…)**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **('had an idea'? So he doesn't anymore?)**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then... suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **(so they apparated then? I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be possible, as Voldemort would probably have some anti-apparition wards up, and you can't apparate/disapparate inside Hogwarts grounds anyway)**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. **(dictionary time – 'croon: sing, hum, or speak in a soft low tone'. So Voldemort sings now does he? Next thing you know he'll be asking to join their band 'Bloody Gothic Rose 666'. Also, I'm pretty sure if you sang the killing curse, it wouldn't work... unless you sang in a hateful way... if that's even possible...)**"Allah Kedavra" **(so the Islamic God is now a killing curse? I'm sure he'll be pleased with that...)**  
>It was... Voldemort! <strong>(shocker)<strong>

* * *

><p>Chapter 14<p>

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! **(never!) **Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. **(it's not like she's making this story any better, so what's the point?)** im sory ah kudnt update **(that's okay. Really. I don't think anyone will be that bothered, to be honest) **but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **(does anyone else think she's way too nonchalant about this?) **PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **(you'll be waiting a long time then)**

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. **(if you say so) **VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **(so she's advising us all to *excuse my language* shit ourselves? I think she means discretion. Although, if this chapter is as 'SCRAY' as she is making it out to be, then maybe she does mean excretion)**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **(what? But you just said you ran to where he was, so how can he not be there?) **Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. **(does anyone in this story have normal tears? No? I thought not) **Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then **(the gun he... what? Also, why the random capitalisation of 'then'? Methinks there should be a full stop here somewhere... And I'm not even going to point out the gun issue again. Or the fact that once again she has changed someone's name) **suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." **(ah, there's the full stop that was needed earlier) **he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **(no, that's not okay, because if he's sixteen then who betrayed the Potters? Unless he time-travelled?)**

"Huh?" I asked.  
>"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." <strong>(I know I've said, or rather written, it before, but this girl has serious anger issues, and swears way too much) <strong>I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. **(with what? Last I checked she only had a gun and her wand on her, where's she got a knife from?) **Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. **(if he had been stabbed in the heart, he would not be running around and screaming) **I brust into tears sadly. **(why is she crying if she doesn't like 'Snaketail'?)**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **(ah! Shakespearean Voldie hath returned!) **Then... he started coming! **(again, is it just me who finds this a little wrong? Then again, the author probably doesn't know what "come" and "coming" are, seeing as she uses words such as "it" for sex) **We could hear his high heels **(Voldemort wears high heels? I'm pretty sure he doesn't wear shoes, at least he doesn't in the films, and even if he did I don't think he'd be wearing women's shoes ... maybe he's just confused? =P) **clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. **(get a grip! Is anyone else getting annoyed by Ebony's constant crying?)**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **(wow, that's so witty, I never would have thought of that!) **and a really huge you-know-what **(no, I don't know what, please tell me? =P) **and everything.

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here **(*cough*Mary-Sue*cough*) **except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts. **(and Ebony's not?)**" answered Draco.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked.** (that doesn't necessarily mean that they are in love with her)** Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **(*sigh* must I do the whole *cough*Mary-Sue*cough* thing again?) **I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) **(snob wasn't the first thing that came to my mind...) **"Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **(melodramatic much?)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 15<p>

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk **(so mature...) **frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **(overreacting much? If people slit their wrists every time someone criticised them or insulted them then the self-harming rate would be so much higher...) **fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. **(if you say so) **I started to cry and weep.** (cry and weep mean the same thing, so there's no need to put both)** I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **(erm, Hogwarts students don't do Biology, that's a muggle subject)**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. **(again, completely ignoring the uniform) **Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. **(this doesn't make sense) **Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **(from what I can gather, she means Transfiguration and not Biology, I don't know how you'd get the two mixed up anyway, to me Care of Magical Creatures and Herbology are more like Biology than Transfiguration is) **Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **(what? I'm confused. Is she saying that the guitar actually turned into Draco? Or the guitar physically moved on its' own to look at Draco? Neither makes much sense, to be honest)**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. **(surely if he loved her he'd be happy and not sad. Although, come to think of it, if I loved 'Enoby' I'd be sad too) **"I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then... he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! **(yeah, I'm pretty sure he'd get detention for disrupting the class, or at least a fair amount of points taken off) **His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . **(if you don't know what a dictionary is then 'get da fuk out od hr!')**

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers **(such a polite girl isn't she?) **(that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) **(so you've said before, if you hate her so much then why do you keep mentioning her?) **and CMM **(who?) **in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. **(so they just walk out in the middle of class? They have absolutely no regard for the rules whatsoever. I'm pretty sure the Marauders or Fred and George wouldn't do that, and they could be considered the biggest rule breakers of them all) **Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **(so wait a minute? Lupin teaches Biology now? I have no idea how she managed to link Biology to Defence Against the Dark Arts... and besides she was doing Transfiguration earlier) **Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. **(skipping school altogether now? Ebony's having a bad influence on Draco methinks)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 16<p>

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! **(so she's taking credit for Raven's work? Oh dear...) **BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! **(she doesn't even have a firm grasp on the English language, so why's she trying to learn another one?)**

We ran happily **(well, at least for once she's not depressed and crying)** to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly.** (it sounds to me like they got in for free…)** MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection **(I'm just surprised she didn't substitute this word for something more childish) **but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. **(when did she have time to get changed?) **Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants.** (so he was never in school uniform either?)** Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. **(again, I'm surprised she knows what frenching is)**We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. **(he's wearing a mask?) **So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,... Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **(oh dear ... oh very dear ...)**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. **(it's not his fault 'Volsemort and da Death Dealers' decided to impersonate MCR) **"Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **(erm, I thought we had just established that it wasn't MCR but 'Volsemort and da Death Dealers'?)**

"What cause we...you know..." he gadgetted **(that's not even a word) **uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **(really?)**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **(lol)**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina **(I think she means Christian, unless Draco has decided to have a sex change and change his name to Christina...) **or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly. **(that's an oxymoron, you can't mutter loudly, the whole point of muttering is that it's quiet and barely audible)**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me.

I was flattened **(I think she means 'flattered', unless Draco somehow managed to flatten her by singing…) **cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. **(wait, what happened to 'Volsemort and da Death Dealers'? They just randomly appeared for no apparent reason and then don't get mentioned again!)**

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). **(well, I'm so glad you're here to give us tips on Japanese, maybe in return we could give you tips on English?) **"BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." **(maybe she means Arithmancy?) **(an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **(wow, that's mature, take your anger at your friend out by getting rid of her character in your fanfiction… let me guess, she'll get written back in when you're no longer angry at her?)**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. **(so now they hate her because she failed her classes and skipped a lesson? They are awful friends. I wouldn't be angry at my friends if they did that)**

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. **(as usual then) **We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **(how? Muggle technology does not work at Hogwarts!) **"Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **(well aren't you a fantastic friend?)**

"Kawai."**(from my understanding, kawaii means cute, so how would Willow dying be cute? They are really screwed up, I suggest seeing a therapist)** B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly.** (I'm assuming 'enrgtically' is supposed to be 'energetically' and 'lethrigcly' is supposed to be 'lethargically', in which case this sentence is complete rubbish, you cannot be energetic and lethargic at the same time) **"Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **(so, Hermione, oh, I'm sorry, 'B'loody Mary', is a murderer now? Then again with a name like 'B'loody Mary' I really shouldn't be surprised. And 'necphilak' doesn't sound remotely like 'necrophiliac', which is what I'm assuming this word is supposed to be. And also Lupin is so out of character here… like all the other characters in the story… if it can be called that)**

"Kawai."**(that's wrong on so many levels)** I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. **(how can you talk in silence? Unless you're telepathic?)**

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." **(but she's already been to a concert to see MCR with Draco that day, 'Volsemort and da Death Dealers' turned up remember?) **I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **(for the last time, there is NOT a Hot Topic in the UK!)**

"No." My head snaped up.

"WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **(so just because she doesn't want to shop in Hot Topic, she's automatically a prep? I don't want to shop in Hot Topic, does that make me a prep?)**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). **(I'm sure she was friends with him before…) **Or me. **(what? You'd think she'd know if she had told her about these 'cool goffic stores' that have suddenly turned up near Hogwarts)**

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms." **(because Dumbledore is suddenly 'goffic'?)**

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." **(there's a map for Hogsmeade now? Did the Marauders create another map? Also, why was she in Dumbledore's office snooping around his desk? And, technically Dumbledore didn't tell her then if she saw it on a map…) **She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **(what? Then why say that?) **and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs."

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. **(*cough*Mary-Sue*cough* Is there anything she doesn't look 'totlly hot' in?)**

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" **(so she's changed her character's name now because of her anger towards her friend Raven, I feel sorry for Raven, I really do. I'm not even going to point out that she's used her own name instead… oh, wait, I just did =P)**

"Tom Rid."**(this is clearly supposed to be Tom Riddle. Maybe 'Volsemort' has an alter ego where he works in a shop… unlikely much?)** He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair.** (Tom Riddle would not need to dye his hair, because it is naturally black)** "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" **(Merlin, she overacts! Why does she think that every guy that talks to her is coming on to her?) **I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" **(ooh, I can't wait to see what happens next… Not)**

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><p><em>This story is just so mind-blowingly awful that I'm having to do it in little bits out of fear of losing my sanity... =P<em>

_Rwyf-Yn-y-Blaidd-Drwg: Thank you for reviewing. =) Haha, yes I am, I love Doctor Who, and Torchwood. And I'm not a Twilight fan. =) And I don't blame you for nearly quitting reading it, I have to do it a chapter at a time just so I don't lose what little sanity I have left. =P_

_FallenHero93: *blushes* thanks. And thanks for the review. =D I love sarcasm too, whoever says that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit doesn't know what they're on about. =)_

_-AKindofMagic93_


	5. Chapters 17 to 20

_**My Immortal**_** – My Commentary**

**by AKindofMagic93**

* * *

><p>Chapter 17.<p>

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. **(Oh. My. God. Please tell me she's not serious?) **if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! **(er, no) **pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! **(yes, please do this Raven, you make the story slightly less shit. And the author really needs to sort out her kleptomania problem)**

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). **(okay, I have two issues with this statement (apart from the awful spelling and grammar). First, if you are a guy, you don't have to be gay or bisexual to be into fashion. Straight guys can like fashion too. And secondly, why must every character in this story be bisexual? My problem's not that characters are bisexual (that would be hypocritical of me, considering I'm bisexual myself), it's the fact that EVERY character is bisexual, and I'm sorry, but that is just completely unrealistic) **Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. **(I see we're back to speaking in acronyms again) **"Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. **(didn't Willow get killed off?) **Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy **(is that a technical term?) **with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. **(and now Ebony is starting to show signs of bisexuality. I shouldn't be surprised really, after all, every other character is bisexual, so why shouldn't Ebony be? Also, the author really confuses me. In her author's notes, she can come across as homophobic, yet in the story itself, she doesn't seem to have a problem with it. What in the name of Merlin is going through her head?) **She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **(and yet again, the author nonchalantly brings up a serious topic)**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked. **(what's with all the concerts?!)**

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **(how?) **Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. **(where?) **B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. **(who?) **Dracola used to be called Navel **(I'm guessing she means Neville) **but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **(what a surprise. I'm pretty sure this is Hermione's backstory as well. The author clearly lacks originality) **They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. **(is it uncool to be in Gryffindor or something?) **He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. **(Neville's been ignoring the school uniform as well it seems) **We kall him Dracula now. **(I thought his name was 'Dracola'?) **Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) **(no, I don't. Is it 'gpffik' because it's black, or is it 'gpffik' because it's a 'Mercy-Bens'? And if it's the latter, how is a Mercedes-Benz gothic?) **that his dad Lucian gave him. **(I see Lucius has changed his name as well. I also doubt he would give Draco a car as he hates everything Muggle) **We did pot, coke and crak. **(wow! Aren't they cool?! Not. Am I the only one that thinks doing drugs is like, the uncoolest thing ever? She should not be encouraging this, doing drugs is dangerous and illegal and damaging to your health. Sorry if I sounded a bit preachy there, but it had to be said) **Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic **(ethnic? I don't even know what this word was supposed to be) **voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. **(since when was he wearing a mask?) **So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. **(what?) **It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **(what a fucking surprise that is! I'm pretty sure this has already happened at another concert. Also, why would they be wearing masks, if they wanted to impersonate other people, surely they would just use Polyjuice Potion?)**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **(I think Shakespearean Voldy is my favourite part of this story… though that's not saying much to be honest…)**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. **(why not his wand? He is a wizard after all)**

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. **(oh dear, he's gone and burnt his bread) **He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE! **(so Dumbledore's turned 'goffik' as well has he?)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 18.<p>

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! **(if we stop flaming then we're a 'fuken prep'? Let's carry on flaming then, considering being a prep is supposedly a bad thing) **fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! **(OOC. That's all I'm going to say)**

I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. **(I'm not even going to comment on this…)**

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **(no. Just no) **Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. **(you mean the twigs? Not quite sure where you'd get blood-red twigs from…) **There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) **(I wish she'd just say 'sex'. It's only a word. 17 year olds do not say 'you-know-what')**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. **(so Hogwarts is now a 'goffik' school? The preps aren't going to be happy about that…) **But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **(why?) **And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **(what's wrong with the Backstreet Boys? I used to love them when I was younger)**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. **(this is just getting repetitive) **Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco **(it seems Draco is the only one who hasn't changed his name) **came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **(of course they were)**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel **(I thought his name was 'Dracula' now. And it really doesn't surprise me that Neville is bisexual too) **was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. **(you mean Dumbledore then?) **He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **(poor hare)**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"

"Hello everyone." he said happily. **(well that's not very 'goffik' of him) **"As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **(again, what's wrong with Gryffindor?) **Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes. **(yet another character who has had their name changed. And surely I don't need to point out that a teacher would not ask a student to call them by their first name?)**

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. **(you mean Transfiguration) **We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. **(jealous of who?) **I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard?) **(oh dear)** but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **(I think he's too young for that)**

I was so fucking angry. **(she really needs to get her anger issues sorted out)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise<p>

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 **(I'm sorry, jealous of what? Your illiteracy? Er, no) **frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 **(I don't even know what she's trying to say here) **BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. **(another concert?) **It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. **(she would've been expelled by now) **Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). **(if you say so. The author is way too obsessed with hot guys)**

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare **(do all the characters have pet hares now or something?) **went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **(please shut up) **I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) **(I think I'll pass, thanks)**

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **(what? This makes no sense, this story gets more confusing by the sentence)**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. **(what what looks like?)**

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces **(haha) ** like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **(again, so not cool)**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated. **(how many times do I have to say it? You can't apparate within Hogwarts grounds!)**

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. **(purse? Really?) **"What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u."

* * *

><p>Chapter 20.<p>

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! **(well you clearly do, otherwise you would just ignore us) **stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **(do we care?)**

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. **(it seems all this girl does is change clothes) **MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR **(not entirely sure how you would do both at the same time) **in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. **(that's not very 'goffik' of her) **Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **(please, just say 'have sex' or 'shag' or 'fuck' or even 'make love', but just stopping saying 'do it' like a giggly thirteen year old girl!)**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! **(surprise, surprise, another character back from the dead)**"R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **(if he was a paedophile, he would be in prison, not at the school)**

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **(oh dear Merlin, these just get worse and worse) **kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily. **(why can't he go buy his own?)**

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally. **(she should not be joking about this)**

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. **(and we're back to the pointless white foundation) **Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, **(pretty sure they wouldn't do that) **and Dobby was watching!1 **(why'd she have to bring Dobby into it?)**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) **(don't we all? ;) ) **but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **(if 'Snake' is supposed to be 'Snape', why would he move to Gryffindor? He's a teacher, not a student)**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) **(surprisingly)**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. **(it's not really any of her business who 'Lumpkin' shags, now is it?)**

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. **(hypocrite) **U could see that they were naked and everything.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. **(why would Dumbledore care who the teachers are shagging? They are adults and can sleep with who they want) **So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound **(that's not even possible) **at them and dey tripped over it. **(well aren't they clumsy?) **Well anyway, **(I've noticed she uses these two words wayyyy too much. Oh, well, at least they're spelt correctly) **I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." **(probably because he doesn't want to cheat on 'Enoby' :P )**Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. **(of course it is) **He said his dogfather **(is that supposed to be witty?) **Serious Blak **(oh dear, a really bad, and probably unintentional Sirius-serious joke) **had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it. **(the licence plates would be the same on the front and back of the car, does this girl not know anything?)**

….I gasped. **(she does a lot of gasping, doesn't she?)**

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing. **(since when was there a concert hall? In a previous chapter I'm pretty sure it was a club. Besides which, if this is still in Hogsmeade, they wouldn't need to fly there, it's close enough to walk, or maybe they're just too lazy…)**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. **(cheater!) **I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **(*gasp* cliffhanger!)**

* * *

><p><em><span>Rwy'n-Y-Blaidd-Drwg<span>__: Haha, I think you summed it up pretty well there. :) And don't worry, it makes no sense to me either! I doubt the author has even read a single word of any of the books! And no need to apologise for the length of your review, I like long reviews. :D_

_Bethy-Boodles__: Thanks for your review! I totally agree with you! I don't believe in labels anyway, and I really don't appreciate the author saying that if you're not 'goffik' then you're a prep when some people, like myself, are neither. P.S. always nice to meet a fellow Whovian! :)_

_Freakwithnoname__: Thanks for your review! I feel your pain, I really do. I often have to take breaks when doing this because the story is so mind-numbingly bad. _

_Banana__: *blushes* Thanks. :D_

_Echoskye__: There are line breaks after each chapter, so it shouldn't be that difficult to read._

_-AKindofMagic93_


	6. Chapters 21 to 24

_**My Immortal**_** – My Commentary**

**by AKindofMagic93**

* * *

><p>Chapter 21.<p>

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok **(er, yes it is) **koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 **(well, that sentence made a lot of sense. Not) **woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 **(you mean Transylvania) **I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! **(okay, so I actually googled this, because I wasn't sure if **_**Dracula**_** was actually filmed in Transylvania or not, and how could I pass up an opportunity to point out yet more mistakes the author has made? Anyway, as far as I can tell, **_**Dracula**_** (either the 1931 or the 1992 version) wasn't actually filmed in Transylvania. I'm assuming the 'kasel' she means is Bran Castle, which has been linked to **_**Dracula**_**, but as far as I'm aware, it wasn't actually filmed there. But, please, correct me if I'm wrong :) )**

Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. **(what does that even sound like?)**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" **(finally he's realised what sort of person she really is!) **he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. **(again, what would that even look like?) **I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **(stop mentioning serious issues in such a casual way)**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better." **(please do)**

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" **(I'd prefer Drarry over DracoxEbony any day, who's with me?) **I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood **(does she have some sort of obsession with bloody tears?) **came down his pail face. **(so his face looks like a bucket?) **I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. **(so you've mentioned before) **(if ur a homophone **(haha, I bet she doesn't even know what that word means, besides I'm pretty sure she's more 'homophonic' than any of us) **den fuk of!)

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! **(dun dun dun!) **Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **(okay, first of all, 'invincibility coke'? Harry seems to have either developed a fizzy drink that makes you indestructible, or drugs that make you indestructible. Though, considering the author's previous mention of drugs, it's probably the latter. Secondly, Harry's invisibility cloak isn't black, but I suppose it wouldn't be very 'goffik' if it wasn't, would it?) **We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris **(it seems Mrs Norris has spontaneously changed genders and has become human! Also, 'janitor' is an American term, the word used in the book, and the UK is 'caretaker') **there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. **(don't be mean to Filch, he may not be very nice, but that's no reason to call him 'Filth', it seems the author is very prejudiced when it comes to Squibs) **He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. **(and Filch is suddenly a cat… why am I not surprised that the author got Mrs Norris and Filch mixed up?)**

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast **(lol) **in a disgusted way. **(that's it, Harry, give yourself away)**

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. **(at least she got Filch's name right this time) **"Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. **(maybe I wrote too soon?) **Filth nodded. **(definitely wrote too soon) **And then….Vampir frenched me! **(ugh, she is such a Mary-Sue, I thought Harry was in love with Draco, not Ebony. I find it hard to believe that she's that irresistible) **He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz **(there's no need to say crying and bursting into tears, they mean the same thing) **and slitting his rists outside of da school. **(of course he would do it where anyone could see)**

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?" **(does he bloody look alright?)**

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. **(I'm not even going to comment on the problems with this) **Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) **(so, I've never seen this film, but according to Wikipedia, it's a comedy/horror/romance film. Well, that certainly sounds depressing to me, I always get depressed watching comedies, don't you?) **on the gothic red bed **(I thought they had coffins, not beds?)** together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, **(I would make a comment on this, but the author may have gotten something accurate for once – according to Wikipedia, DVDs weren't around until 1995, and if this is supposed to be set in the 90s like the books were, it's more than likely that she would have a video instead of a DVD. Of course, this is a moot point anyway (or 'moo' as I like to say (eternal respect to anyone who gets that reference)) as electrical items don't work at Hogwarts anyway) **my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. **(so now she's a Seer?) **There was a knok on the door and Fug **(I'm assuming she means Fudge? Who shouldn't be Minister for Magic at this point anyway) **and da Mystery of Magic **(oh dear) **walked into the school!1**(nevermind the school, they've just walked into their dorm!)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 22.<p>

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris **(no, you don't) **itz raven's folt ok!11 **(that's it, blame everything on your friend) **u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1 **(she's not a very good friend is she?)**

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **(it was 'Mystery of Magic' last chapter) **Well anyway, I woke up the next day. **(I think that's pretty much a given) **I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!

I opened my crimson eyes. **(how does she know they're there if she hasn't already opened her eyes?) **Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. **(does this not make sense to anyone else?) **Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. **('almost'? I kinda feel sorry for Draco here) **Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. **(seriously, does Hogwarts not have a uniform anymore?) **Darkness (who is Jenny) **(I'm sorry, who?) **was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. **(Crabbe and Goyle were wearing dresses?) **It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. **(so I've realised that she means Ginny, not 'Jenny'. But since when are Crabbe and Goyle related to Ron and Ginny? Unless she means Fred and George…) **He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. **(STOP TREATING SERIOUS ISSUES IN SUCH A NONCHALANT WAY! *Ahem* sorry for the capitals there…) **They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. **(ah, yes, the worship of Stans everywhere)**

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said. **(you mean other than the author's writing?)**

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily. **(I know I've said it before but… she really needs to sort out her anger issues…)**

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." **(*cough* Mary-Sue *cough*) **Draco said in a sexy voice.

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **(haha, oh dear)**

"I will I will." he said. **(why is he repeating himself? Why is he repeating himself?)**

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. **(*sigh* will she never learn?) **Then I came. **(this makes no sense. Surprise, surprise) **We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. **(how rude) **Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. **(lack of respect, much?) **Cornelia Fudged **(it seems Fudge has had a sex change) **was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too. **(and another character has changed their name… must she change the name of EVERY character?) **

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE BARK LORD **(is he a dog or something?) **IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL **(yet another Americanism. It should be Headmaster not Principal) **ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **(*sigh* and yet another serious issue said a casual way…) **YOU MUST RETRY **(I'm assuming she means retire?) **OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **(Er, no. Harry is the only one who can defeat Voldemort)**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped. **(she does a lot of gasping doesn't she?)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 23.<p>

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 **(yes, most of which are flames) **fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox **(if by 'boox' she means the Harry Potter books, then why doesn't she just read them herself?) **gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! **(plan shopping trips in your own time, not in fanfiction)**

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.

"MR. WAY **('Mr. Way'? Has Ebony suddenly had a sex change too? Or has Gerard Way suddenly appeared?) **WHAT THE BEEP **(I highly doubt Umbridge, sorry 'Rumbridge' (does she like drinking rum or something?) would be one to censor her language) **ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!" **(give me strength. There are so many things wrong with this, that I can't even be bothered to point it all out…)**

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **(who? She definitely means Fred and George then, if they both look exactly the same) **I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. **(huh? Are they shouting at each other, or literally shooting? Besides, I thought Draco was already sat next to her?)**

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **(haha. Why don't you both 'shit' next to her? I'm sure she would appreciate that. I certainly would)**

"No I do!" shouted.

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco.

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) **(you suggested it, not us) **They started to fight and beat up each other.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose **(yes, you just said that) **and was wearing a gray robe. **(Voldemort wears black, not grey) **All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. **(stop picking on poor Britney, what's she ever done to you?) **Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent….Volzemort!

"Eboby…..Ebony…."**(it seems he can't remember her name…)** Darth Valer **(and now she's crossing fandoms over. Not that I have a problem with that, it's the fact that she's got it so, so wrong) **sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!" **(gotta love Shakespearean Voldy!) **

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" **(well then surely she'd just let him do it?) **Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **(they came to twist her?) **Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.

"No!" I screamed sexily. **(what? Just no) **Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice. **(why must the characters repeat themselves?)**

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up. **(why must the characters repeat themselves? :P )**

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **(melodramatic much?)**

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister **(ooh, she sounds ominous) **about what the visions mean though." **(Professor Sinist**_**ra**_**, not Sinist**_**er**_**, teaches Astronomy, not Divination, though at this point I have no expectations that she has any knowledge about any of the books)**

"Ok bich." **(well that was rude and uncalled for) **I said sadly and den we went.

* * *

><p>Chapter 24.<p>

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous **(jealous? In your dreams) **so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!

Well we had Deviation **(is that where you learn about behaving unacceptably?) **next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry **(well, at least she got it sort of right this time) **about the visions.

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister **(are they both there or something? Or does the author just keep getting it wrong? Who else thinks it's the latter?) **in Japanese. **(Why? Unless she's Japanese, can't she just speak in English?) **She smelled at me **(does Ebony smell or something?) **with her gothic black lipstick. She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. **(of course she was) **She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. **(which is more than can be said for the author) **she n b'loody mry get along grate) She's really young for a teacher. **(how young exactly?)** 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. **(again, who?) **I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it.

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?"

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. **(I think I would have punched her in the face by now) **"Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

"Ho about now?" she asked. **(surely after class would be better? Clearly, logic isn't the author's forte)**

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." **(what an irresponsible teacher) **Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. **(favouritism of the 'goffik' students much?) **"Please do exorcize (geddit) **(ugh) **1 on page 3."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it. **(crystal balls are clear, you would not be able to see in a black one)**

"What do you c?" she asked.

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, **(he was wearing a black leather surface? Okay then…) **a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes. **(I wasn't aware the government made shoes)**

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt."**(this is actually one of the few swear words I hate) ** said Proffesor Sinister.

"Bye bitch." I said waving.

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. **(there are chairs in the doorway? Safety hazard much? Besides which, if I recall correctly, the Divination classroom doesn't really have a door as such… it's more a trapdoor, I think…) **We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **(she's being displayed is she? She probably thinks she's a work of art or something…) **

* * *

><p><em>I'd just like to say a quick thanks to everyone who has reviewed, favourited andor followed! It means a lot to me that people are interested in this. :D_

_Also, if you want updates on all my fanfics, follow me on tumblr – my username is the same (and there's a link on my profile) – I'll follow you back. :)_

_-AKindofMagic93_


	7. Chapters 25 to 28

_**My Immortal**_** – My Commentary**

**by AKindofMagic93**

* * *

><p>Chapter 25.<p>

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin **(who's Justin?) **2 bet u up!1111 **(I'm pretty sure this would be impossible anyway, as the flamers are probably from all over the world, so unless this Justin person is rich and willing to fly all over the world just to beat up some people who actually have more than one braincell, this isn't gonna happen) **n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 **(what an awful spelling of 'virus', at least that's what I'm assuming 'vrtuz' is supposed to be, again I highly doubt that she could actually get 'nredz' to do this) **FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. **(for the last time, STOP SAYING 'DO IT'!) **We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." **(I'm starting to get really annoyed about the names being spelt wrong… or just changed altogether really) **whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. **(why is he whispering? Are they not alone or something?)**

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. **(how can you grumble in a sexy voice? Has anyone else noticed that everything she seems to do or say is done/said in a sexy way?) **He took out a heroin **(*sigh* how many times do I have to say that this isn't cool?) **cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. **(I think she means 'spark', not 'spork', at least I hope she doesn't mean 'spork'…) **He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. **(yeah, I'm pretty sure they would've crashed) **Draco put on some MCR.

"And all the things that you never ever told me  
>And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling <strong>(I didn't know they were into construction work) <strong>of each other's cloves **(I didn't know they were covered in spices either) **fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. **(it just gets worse and worse doesn't it?)**

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. **(so she can write 'orgasm' (well, sort of), but she can't write 'sex' or 'penis'?) **We stated frenching passively. **(to say they love each other, they're not very enthusiastic are they?) **Suddenly… I fell asleep. **(does she have narcolepsy now or something?) **I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. **(he was shooting them with long black hair? Or the men had long black hair? The author needs a lesson in sentence structure, methinks)**

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. **(of course they did) ** I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. **(so many things wrong with this… Draco hates everything Muggle and therefore wouldn't have a mobile (at least she didn't say cell phone), and ELECTRONIC THINGS DO NOT WORK AT HOGWARTS! How many times do I have to say it?) **Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… Lucian and Serious!111 **(Lucius and Sirius. I don't know why I bother anymore)**

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><p>Chapter 26.<p>

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11 **(it took me a moment to figure out what she was going on about here, then I realised it was referencing the 'black guy' from the previous chapter. Admittedly, when I first read that line, I didn't think she was being racist, but looking back at it, I suppose it could be construed as such, since she's never mentioned people's races before, so why would she point out this character's race, but, on the other hand, it could just be people overreacting, after all, when you the look at the **_**Harry Potter**_** books, very few of the main characters aren't white, and the white characters are never described as such, while I'm fairly certain that Dean, for example, is described as being black)**

A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **(what? Who flirts when they're crying?) **Draco hugged me sexily **(how can you make a hug sexy?) **tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood **(yeah, pretty sure you already mentioned that in the previous chapter) **and then told them what happened.

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!"

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. **(you can't run out of a tree) **Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire are dads have been shot!" **(pretty sure Draco would say 'father', not 'dad', and Sirius is Harry's godfather, not his actual dad, but maybe I'm just being picky :P) **Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. **(this makes no sense) **"Enoby had a vision in a dreem."

Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **(Ebony's splitting into parts is she?)**

I glared at Dumbledore. **(she spelt his name right. I actually can't believe it)**

"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). **(I'm sorry, **_**what**_** is **_**the what**_** of **_**what**_**?)** "U know very well that I'm not decisional. **(so Ebony doesn't make decisions now?) **Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!"

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?" **(is anyone else majorly confused?)**

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." **(and now she's changing the names of places) **I said. I told him which street. **(how can she possibly know which street?) **He went and called some people and did some stuff. **(well that's vague) **After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. **(well that didn't take very long, I'd have at least liked **_**some**_** tension) **Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office **(Hospital Wing) **while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. **(way too nonchalant again) **We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 **(am I supposed to be shocked? 'Cause I'm really not)**

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><p>Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u<p>

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 **(you clearly do, otherwise you would ignore the so-called 'prepz') **so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 **(when will she get it through her head that people won't stop flaming?) **fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport **(is this supposed to be 'support'? Or are they playing some sort of sport together?) **n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital **(I wish she'd stop treating this like it isn't a serious issue!) **rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. **(lemme guess, first name Frank?) **She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking **(there's really no need to swear here) **black platinum boots. **(why are all the characters 'goffik'?) **"I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **(I don't even know what she's trying to say here)**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, **(Sirius's name changes the most out of everyone, is he having an identity crisis? Does he think he's a fancy letter or something?) **Drake and Vampire. **(one of the few times she's got Draco's name wrong, interestingly) **They nodded.

I smelled happily **(pretty sure you can't smell emotions) **and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. **(yet another sentence that makes absolutely no sense) **She started to look into a black crucible ball. **(**_**crystal **_**ball, not **_**crucible **_**ball) **She said… "Tara, I see drak times are near." **(oh look, Ebony's name has changed to that of the author, if this isn't evidence of self-insertion, then I don't know what is) **She said badly. **(clearly, considering she doesn't know Ebony's name, and she can't say 'dark' either) **She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner **(tones your skin in record time!) **like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint **(the evil plant!) **was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **(yeah, you'd have to be pretty crazy to turn evil just because someone broke your fireplace) **Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" **(I highly doubt Voldemort is even capable of love) **I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. **(what?! Okay, first of all, just because she seduces him, doesn't mean he'll fall in love with her, secondly, if he does fall in love with her and she then abandons him to go back to her own time, then surely his heart will still be broken? And thirdly, either way she is going to be making major changes to history which could end up in her not being born (we can only hope) and then she won't be alive to go back in time to seduce him in the first place and you end up with one great big paradox. *Ahem*, I think I watch way too much _Doctor Who_…) **You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. **(huh?) **I went outside again sadly.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, **(who's Darkness again? Pretty sure 'Darkness' is Ebony's middle name) **Willow and Boldy Mary? **(well, it makes sense that Mary would be 'bold', considering she's a Gryffindor, or was anyway, until the author made everyone switch houses, because being in anything other than Slytherin isn't cool or 'goffik')**

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name **(why do I have an image of people carving 'Ebony' out of cheese in my mind?) **and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. **(believe it or not, but not everyone wants to be 'goffik') **Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. **(just no)**

I put on my Invisibility coke** (she can spell 'invisibility', but not 'cloak'? Righto. Where did she get an Invisibility Cloak from anyway? Unless she stole Vampire's?)** with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether. **(why is Vampire going too, if she just wanted to talk to Draco?)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 28.<p>

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 **(this whole story is one giant 'miskat') **GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily **(oh no, has she dragged someone else into this?) **4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111

We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. **(of course! What else would it look like?) **A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath. **(too much information)**

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. **(so she scattered herself across a chair?) **So did Drako and Vampire.

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard **(why does she even bother trying to spell long words? Why doesn't she just make it easier for herself and say 'white'?) **hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. **(I really couldn't give a shit)**

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. **(how does that even work?) **I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time"

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?" **(Draco doesn't seem that bothered that his girlfriend, the girl he's supposed to be in love with, is going to have to seduce Voldemort, in fact, he seems to care more about himself. Get a little perspective, why don't you)**

"Of coarse not!" I gasped.

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly.

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. **(a stallone? No. Just no) **He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). **(this just keeps getting worse and worse)**

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock **(I actually started laughing at this. I don't even know what he was trying to say. Unless she means that his 'thingy' is from the planet Vulcan. I suppose she could be referencing the **_**Doctor Who**_** episode 'The Empty Child' when Rose wants the Doctor to 'give [her] some Spock', but I highly doubt that :P) **in my you-know-what and passively we did it. **(what is with their lack of enthusiasm?)**

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." **(no) **he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 **(I am so not surprised by this. The teachers seem to have a habit of walking in on them during sex, don't they? There seems to be something dodgy going on here, methinks.)**

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><p><em>Review replies:<em>

_TheTardisAt221B__ – Thanks so much for your review, it means a lot to me! :) Your review made me smile, and I'm glad someone got the 'moo point' reference. :) Hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much! :D_

_-AKindofMagic93_


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